The follow is a list of countries now under my control, where each of these customers earned themselves a £15 voucher under my Global Domination Plan (special offer) by being the first customer in that country to place an order with me since September 2000.
Each country in this list provides details of the date of invasion, the initials of my spy in this country who opened up the borders to my troops, details of the invasion, then sometimes even plans for the invasion of other neighbouring countries from this location.
Anyway, here now are the details of the countries that now fall under the iron fist of Cardman...
(Insert insane laughter)
Finland (K.S in Helsinki), 10th of November 2000.
First ever order from Finland was P.K in Heinola, dated 5th of June 1998. Since then Finland became the 7th most popular destination for order dispatches until my business closed for restructuring at the end of May. And had orders increased by 14% then Finland would have over taken both Denmark and Malta to have become the 4th most popular location for my customers.
This means that there has been a large decline in orders from Finland recently, which I suspect is due to the harsh laws against personal possession of p****e devices implemented in Finland around May. As none of my new sales should cause users problems with these new Finnish laws (if correctly used) then these laws appear to have actually restricted their citizens personal freedom. This makes it a shame that Finland was almost unique amongst EU countries in making personal possession illegal. So now I certainly hope that this offer will help restore Finland to it's normal healthy position at number 7 (or higher) on my popularity list.
Israel (H.B in Jerusalem), 25th of November 2000.
The first ever order from Israel was E.T in Tel Aviv, which was received on the 16th of December 1999. That order was dispatched just 4 days later, which was within my normal dispatch time seeing that the 18th and 19th were a weekend. Since then Israel ranked all the way down at joint 33rd place, which makes me hope that my popularity in Israel increases this time around, but then compared to other countries Israel was a late starter.
When I first started to write this section I knew that putting both Jerusalem and Israel in the same line would prove controversial, which for many local residents that word could be replaced with "deadly". Still I suppose until that ownership problem is resolved then that is currently a valid way to look at it, but like most people I wonder in who's hand this holy city will reside in whenever some solution is agreed (hopefully God's hands).
This customer also wished to cash in his £15 voucher immediately, which I will do this time, but I doubt that I would do this again. As the whole point of giving away these vouchers is to encourage the first customer to reorder, and with luck to encourage some of his friends to do the same.
And so even though I will do it this time I will now also have to remind him of this fact, or else my paid Israel representative would make my Israel invasion a non-starter. Oh, the pains of customers who follow their own rules. ;-]
Italy (G.M in Castano Primo), 5th of December 2000
I have been wondering for a while how long it would take for Italy to appear here. As before my business was restructured Italy achieved a respectable 8th place, falling between Finland and Ireland, on my Global Domination list.
The very first order from Italy was D.M in Milan, which was both received and dispatched on the 26th of May 1998.
Since then as mentioned there has been a long list of orders from Italy. Also one unusual fact that I have just noticed is that 69% of Italian customers paid for their order in Italian Lira, just like this latest customer did.
Why Italy does not achieve higher on my list must be due to the language difference, as well local suppliers also able to meet their needs. These facts are no doubt made even wider following my restructuring, but that is a problem which I plan to tackle in the future.
Jordan (Y.I.A.S in Amman), 6th of December 2000
This claim for one of my £15 credit vouchers makes the first ever order from Jordan, which is kind of strange as Jordan is one of the more Western friendly countries around that region.
Who knows, as maybe this country recently had an Internet upgrade?
Anyway it is always very welcome to receive a new country. And I hope this money for free offer helps to turn Jordan into a popular destination.
Actually while writing this No2 has informed me that there is now a second possible customer in this country enquiring about my services. No second credit voucher unfortunately, but it goes to show you why I have this offer. As just one customer telling their friends about what I can provide can soon lead to a swarm of orders.
Czech Republic (M.T in Jesenice u Prahy), 7th of December 2000
Now this customer is one that I know well seeing that he has accounted for about half of all my older orders going to this country, which is why he must deserve this £15 credit voucher more than others. However I see that he has changed address recently, as previously he was located in Prague.
The very first order going to the Czech Republic was L.H in Mlada Boleslav, which was received on the 25th of January 1999.
The Czech Republic comes in joint 24th place in my old list, along with Australia and Kuwait. This means that the Czech Republic has decreased slightly, while Australia and Kuwait have increased, in terms of received orders since September.
Anyway as my top Czech customer is now back then the battle to achieve a high rating on my list is now back on.
Pakistan (A.B in Faisalabad), 12th of December 2000
This order now makes the very first order which will be going to Pakistan.
In all Asia is the second worst continent after South America from which to receive orders directly from, and there are two assumed reasons to explain this.
The first reason is that most customers have family or friends more local, including here in the UK. This means that most Asian customers would have their order shipped to Europe instead of Asia.
That could well have normally occurred this time, but what with a £15 credit voucher on offer then shipping to Pakistan then became the better idea.
And the second reason is the vast written language difference in countries like China and Japan. As I am sure that English and other similar languages appear just as weird to such citizens even if they do first install the correct character set.
Actually I do know a few Chinese words/symbols, but it would require someone a lot better than myself in order to convert this site to those languages. One day I may just do that, but that would not occur anytime soon.
Oman (N.S.M in Hamriya), 12th of December 2000
The first ever order from Oman was Q.A.Al-K in Ruwi, which was received on the 23rd of February 2000. And as this order was dispatched the following day then this follows my usual fast dispatches.
Now the Sultanate of Oman, as it prefers to be called, in the time before September was the top destination for my orders in the Middle East region. However on my World scale then Oman comes in 20th place, as this country is then beaten by many countries within Europe.
Hopefully this offer will help to maintain Oman in this top Middle East spot, but as Saudi Arabia, UAE, and Kuwait were not far behind then maintaining the top spot will prove quite a hard fight.
Macedonia (A.P in Strumica), 15th of December 2000
This order makes the first ever order received from Macedonia.
Now the reason for this I would estimate as being due to the size of Macedonia, which is one of the smallest European countries. Also countries around that region are known for economic hardship.
Anyway as this offer will increase Macedonia's wealth by £15, then that is one small step towards economic wealth.
Latvia (U.A in Jelgavas Raj), 19th of December 2000
Now this order from Latvia makes only the second ever order received from this country, with the first ever being E.K in Riga which was received on 17th of February 2000.
Although this puts Latvia near the bottom of my invasion list I am quite proud of this minor invasion; as any satellite country of the Russian Federation is bound to be more difficult than usual.
In fact I have had no success so far with Lithuania, Moldavia, Slovakia, the Ukraine, or even the large Russian Federation.
However once I have increased orders going to countries like Belarus, Estonia, the Czech Republic, Hungary, Poland and Romania then it is only a matter of time before this leads to invasion of their neighbouring countries.
Now I am not quite sure what it would take to turn all these countries into popular destinations, but until I have that key then my best guess would be time.
Anyway this £15 credit voucher will soon push Latvia on to three orders, which is one more step in the right direction.
Switzerland (Y.S in St. Saphorin), 22nd of December 2000
This first order from Switzerland since September now fills in one more country within Europe.
The very first order from Switzerland was R.Z in Baltschieder which was dated 29th of October 1998. Since then Switzerland became the joint 15th most popular destination for orders, with the other joint 15th place countries being Turkey, Austria, and the U.S.A.
As this new order was received on a Girobank cheque order then currently I do not know what this person has ordered, as unfortunately this payment service often does not mention.
Also one other thing they often do not mention is the country, which has more than once in the past left we wondering were the hell such and such a town was. That fortunately did not happen this time, as at least they included the postal code which included the CH letters meaning Switzerland.
As to the order then I should soon find that out from No2, but due to the value of this cheque then I will soon be paying them more then what they just paid me.
Bosnia & Herzegovina (D.H in Novi Travnik), 22nd of December 2000
As this region of the World has had more than a fair share of conflict in the recent past then trade with other European countries has been on quite a low for a while. Still at least things are slowly improving, and with a lot of work then anything is possible.
The very first order from Bosnia & Herzegovina was D.D in Sarajevo, which was received on the 27th of May 2000.
As that date was in my nightmare month and only one day before EU directive became UK law, then as there was (almost) billions of other orders in the queue before this one, then even working very hard for a long time meant that this order took three months to dispatch.
Well at least that is not something that will happen again. As since my service changes in September then although this December had nearly as much trade as with May, then dispatch times this month was counted all in days.
Anyway time to set a better example for Bosnia & Hertegovina, as although these citizens pick bad times to send orders what with Christmas but days away then lets see how many days this one takes.
Iran (Dr M in Tehran), 29th of December 2000
Now this very first order from Iran makes an interesting tale seeing that this order came from the United Arab Emirates instead of Iran.
When I first heard about this customer wishing to claim one of my £15 credit vouchers I knew that he wished to have his package delivered to the UAE instead of Iran. The reason for this was as he mentions is due to Iran being controlled by a religious dictatorship, which meant that he has yet to receive any package sent from a western country.
That is why it is best to use a courier service for these problem countries, but if he wanted it going to the UAE then that is fine with me as long as his order came from Iran (well we in the UK are not anti-Iran).
The answer to that is no it did not, as when it arrived it had a nice UAE stamp on it.
And to claim one of my £15 credit vouchers for Iran he provided his Iran e-mail address as proof. Hold on I was then thinking, as I could have my own Iran e-mail address within a week had I really wanted.
Problem, as to part with such a voucher I need very good proof of citizenship. So a request was sent to him requesting that he fax me some official Iran documentation, which should include his name and address.
Yet another problem was that when I got his fax all that he included was his hand written name and address. And there was me once again thinking that I could have my own pseudo-address in Iran had I wished (Cardman, in Bakhtaran).
Without no official Iran documentation then proving that this customer a ctually belonged to Iran would have proved an unsolvable problem had the fax not revealed more then it intended.
As the very first line of this fax included his company name (in Iran) and his own fax number (in Iran), then I had with me suitable information to confirm that this customer actually belonged to this country.
Problem solved, meaning that one Iran order will very soon be shipping through the UAE.
Well that would have been had not such a problem customer been a constant pain in the ****. As now he wants one of my SEASON2 added to his order, to be paid for on Credit Card.
And I am still awaiting credit card services which should be complete sometime soon. Not mention that my SEASON2 is now just about sold out, and I am unsure if I will ever see more.
Time will tell, but this customer now needs to be informed that this addition to his order could delay the dispatch.
As to Iran then I cannot see that it will become a hot destination for orders anytime soon.
Update: A month later this package was returned to me.
As it seems that the nice mailing system in the UAE has not heard of this address. And as that address completely matched that provided by this customer, then he had provided me with an invalid address.
Anyway after contacting him a second address in the UAE was provided, and as that package has not come back a second time yet, then I guess the second address was valid.
Well as I can spot these "problem" customers a mile away then to pay for the second postage he wished to trade in his £15 credit voucher now. And although that totally defeats the point of this offer, this I agreed to even if it did not quite pay for the heavy postage.
Maybe I should have told him the point of the voucher was to obtain a second order, when my invasion into Iran may now have come to a one order halt.
Morocco (A.E in Tanger), 6th of January 2001
Actually I received the payment for this order back on the 22nd of December, but as this was a direct transfer to my bank account, which had no known linked order, then this payment was coloured in "pink" to show that it was unexpected.
I gave little extra thought to this unexpected payment, as it was certain that the owner would eventually claim it.
As it happens this owner had already contacted me two days previously with an unusual message saying as I quote "I sent you the money in 16 december 2000".
Now as it happens that very many people happen to send me money then I did my usual action by checking my order database and telling him that his order had not yet arrived. This was very much true, as the first time that I saw this customer's order form was the date you see at the top of this section.
Anyway after more confusion about him asking me to dispatch his order and myself replying that I do not dispatch orders when I have no idea what they are and more importantly have not been paid for them, he then eventually mentions the word "bank".
And as that happens to be quite a vital word when you mention how you intend to pay, then I soon checked my account database and their in "pink" was his payment.
The only problem was that after checking my entire e-mail log I had no details at all concerning what this payment was for.
Anyway while I proceeded to extend my search to areas I have not dealt with then he eventually faxed me a copy of his order details, which to begin with seemed unusual.
It was No2 who eventually located the pre-order discussion for this customer, which ended when No2 provided my banking details.
And if you ask me it is just not a good idea to ask No2 for the details, followed by telling myself (Cardman) that you have sent the money. As it is clear that I would not know what you are talking about, when I only see their order form when the customer confirms to No2 that the bank transfer has been issued.
As then I would simply have the job of entering the order details in the order database, followed by waiting for the payment to arrive. Which as it happens is then followed by passing the order form to No1, who then dispatches the order and returns the completed order form to myself to be marked as completed on the database and then stored.
However customers getting their own good ideas is not an uncommon way to break my perfectly working system.
The final problem is that even No2 has not seen this version of this customer's order form, as yet another one of those "good ideas" caused him to make a few changes to the current version.
And as the newly added MODIFIED item was discontinued 13 days before this customer even issued a bank transfer, which as of tomorrow will be a whole month old news, then quite simply this customer won't be getting one.
Also I am sure that my SEASON2 did not cost quite that much, but at least I should be able to supply one of those.
Anyway it will be interesting to see if any other "good ideas" spring into this mind, but at least this customer will be pleased to see one of my "yellow" £15 credit vouchers arrive.
As to Morocco then apart from my Aunt taking a holiday their once I cannot say what to expect. Anyway with a little luck this offer will help to start Morocco in the right direction.
Belgium (C.C in Dilbeek), 6th of January 2001
Compared to some of the orders claiming my £15 credit vouchers recently this Belgium one is mostly uneventful. As apart from the usual items this customer just wanted me to use the spare payment to send him an empty card PCB, which is one of these extra things which I am happy to do if anyone needs them.
Actually I have been providing card spares for a long time, but I have not yet found the need to make this more public. As sending out these single components can prove a problem when done for many people, when not in bulk quantities.
As to Belgium then this country came in a respectable 11th place on my global domination list before May caused a few changes. And since Belgium is a late arrival to my restructured business, then clearly these citizens are not as aware for what I can provide.
And yes that even includes spare parts if people want them.
Anyway hopefully this offer will help these locals to remember just what it is that I can provide. As at the moment Belgium is a long way down on my new list, and considering the country then that certainly needs to improve.
Lebanon (W.K in Beirut), 20th of February 2001
When No2 first came to me and asked if this customer in Lebanon would receive one of my £15 credit vouchers I had trouble remembering just who was in control these days. As after all this capital of Beirut has changed hands several times depending on who has the most guns.
Anyway as the United Nations very much say that Lebanon is a separate country then I cannot disagree with that, even if the already claimed Israel is still up to things in South Lebanon.
Well moving past the politics then Cardman's invasion of Lebanon has just began, but I can confirm that this invasion will be a damned lot more peaceful then that already done by everyone else.
Still considering what has happened to fellow Westerners at the hands of some radical Shiite Muslims (with an allegiance to Iran) in this country then I guess I won't try to hand deliver this one. I have no idea what the local postal system is like, but being insured means that it will certainly get to its destination one way or the other.
In all the Middle East is kind of an odd region when I now have customers in most of these conflicting countries, but at least those citizens watching Satellite Television can obtain a better understanding of their neighbours. And in all that is no bad thing, even if some countries try to make cross border viewing illegal (silly b****rs).
Yugoslavia (Serbia) (M.N in Beograd), 3rd of March 2001
Now this order claiming one of my £15 credit vouchers I have been meaning to put on here for a while now. However, as when I dispatched this order using the normal International Recorded service it soon came back with a note from the Royal Mail saying "this service is not available in this country" then that spells out problem.
That I also found highly strange when even some not too friendly countries support this service. This I guess means that the Royal Mail just cannot trust the delivery service in this country.
And there was me thinking that as Serbia got themselves a new leader with a few more brain cells then the last one, then with his western friendly ideas our own Western Leaders were falling over themselves to get in his good books.
Still I have not yet got over the lack of an International Recorded service in the now much smaller Yugoslavia, when out of the many countries that I have supplied to this makes a first. Hopefully like their change of leadership that is another problem to be fixed, when it is not helpful to my goods supply to this country.
Anyway, as I then had a package that could not be delivered as requested, then that meant I had to contact the owner. And as he could then have preferred to cancel his order at that point, then that is why I did not mention it on here.
The options he had was to send this package using uninsured standard postage, or to have it delivered to a different country.
Normally that second option would not have been an option for most people, but as this order originally came from Canada, then I thought it could be in with a chance.
Also that was the first strange thing about this order. As since my voucher for Canada has not been claimed yet, then was I not surprised when opening the letter showed a Yugoslavia claim and not the expected Canada claim.
Anyway the end of this story is that as he trusts his own countries postal service more than the Royal Mail do, then that package has now been dispatched using standard postage at his own risk.
Hopefully it will turn up, but if it does not then the Royal Mail were right all along.
There was no orders from Yugoslavia in my old business, which I guess that was not surprising when our country was more dropping bombs on them at that point.
Hopefully along with this new leader the citizens are now more western friendly as well, but as I am expecting at least one more order from this country to spend my recently supplied credit voucher, then hopefully this mailing system is then quickly fixed.
Luxembourg (F.K in Esch / Alzette), 23rd of April 2001
As Luxembourg is one of the smaller countries in Europe, then that explains why Luxembourg took 7 months to appear here, when less total number of citizens (about 377,000, UK = 57+ million) means less satellite viewers as well.
Still as the ratio of satellite viewers is bound to be higher in Luxembourg (what with SES and all), then in my old business Luxembourg came in a respectable 27th place.
The very first order from Luxembourg was from one M.J of Bettembourg, which was received on the 5th of June 1999. And since then most orders come in groups from different people (no doubt friends of each other).
Anyway as my invasion of Luxembourg has now started then that sure beats trying to lower their population further by sending over our cattle diseases (anyone fancy a Foot and Mouth or BSE steak?). Still maybe that was just revenge, when guess which country hosts our European leaders.
Ukraine (Unnamed Company in Kiev), 27th of April 2001
I have been waiting for a Ukraine invasion for a long time. As one step after the Ukraine comes mother Russia, which is my current target due to the large written language difference making it extra hard.
After a check then my circle draws closer when I have now invaded Finland, Latvia, and the Ukraine, which means that once I have invaded Estonia and Belorussia then my invasion of near satellite countries is then complete. This following a slightly insane laugh brings my troops (aka customers) up to the very Russian borders.
And with one final push I would then be seeking another new hard target on my mega-lo-manic global domination plan.
Anyway back to my new troops in the Ukraine then this order is a bit different when this was a large company purchase and therefore not an individual order. This means that it is kind of pointless to initialize the company name, and there was no details on the order to show the exact customer name.
One thing I did find odd about this order was that this unknown person was quite interested in my UK plugged power equipment, which included four of my EU to UK converter plugs. And as I doubt that the Ukraine uses the UK 3-pin sockets then I wonder if this equipment is going to end up back in the UK.
That I do not know, but what I do know is that one of my STEALTH video senders and two MPACK3 makes for one heavy package, which was fine with me when this customer paid for fast DHL delivery.
Well anyway as that was the first Ukraine invasion ever then it will be interesting to see where the second order will be going to, which of course is to spend the £15 credit voucher.
New Zealand (M.H in Auckland), 8th of June 2001
As this makes the very first of my orders going to New Zealand then you have to wonder why New Zealand took so long while the neighbouring Australia is one of my most popular foreign destinations.
Like with most cases I suspect that this delay is due to two reasons.
First is that as I do not advertise anywhere, then naturally as one customer recommends me to another, then so can crossing country borders take longer when foreign friends are much less common.
The second reason is that as Australia has about 5 times the population of New Zealand, then this means that New Zealand would take five times longer to invade given the odds. And naturally as Australia is invaded five times faster then this explains why Australia has had the time to become so popular.
Anyway, as the first of my new troops now reside in Auckland, then hopefully this £15 credit voucher can establish a firm foothold within this country by increasing the number of troops (aka customers) based here.
Well as all good things have a beginning, then so do I expect many more ordera from New Zealand in the future.
Mauritius (P.M in Port Louis), 12th of July 2001
Now this customer is certainly remote, when Mauritius can be found quite close to the middle of the Indian Ocean. And as Mauritius is found the other side of Madagascar, then it takes time to realise that this island comes classed under the African continent.
Although the first and hopefully following order will be much welcome; it is a fact that due to the size of Mauritius the restricted population head count will result in fewer orders. Still as Mauritius is a larger island than say Malta, then Malta is proof alone that the entire popular can soon come to love my virtual invasion of their island.
Anyway Cardman the ruthless dictator now has control of an important island in the middle of the Indian Ocean, which makes me wonder where next can I invade from this island paradise.
Slovenia (G.M in Deskle), 26th of July 2001
This claim I added late on the 31st of October; when I noticed that Slovenia had already been claimed when I was building my list of unclaimed European countries. And after a quick search in my customer database I soon found this order.
No doubt I was busy at the time and simply forgot to update this page, but as this customer has not reordered to spend his £15 credit voucher yet, then I will have to contact him to make sure that there is no other problem.
I suspect that customers not using their £15 Credit Voucher in a second order have actually lost it, but as I always know what is going on, then it is technically not vital to still have this voucher in order to spend it.
The only other interesting thing to say about this order is that I am currently wondering where exactly Deskle is in Slovenia, when it seems that my big atlas is not good enough to show this town.
As I have invaded Slovenia before in my old business, then my very first customer in this country was one B.J in Cersak, which was dated the 4th of February 2000. And at least this Slovenian customer quickly placed a second order, but for a second time no town named "Cersak" was found in my atlas.
Well I guess either Slovenia renamed all their towns after my atlas was made, or these customers gave me the English language version of their town names, when my atlas always lists the true local name. It can also be that both these towns are very small, or that mail to Slovenia really gets rerouted to fairy land, but for some reason I doubt it.
Anyway this is one unusual order that I am going to have to find out more about.
Belarus (F.A in Minsk), 24th of September 2001
After the change from my old business (damn the EU), and the resulting automatic withdrawal from all countries, it took slightly over a year in my European conquest to in order to regain my control of Belarus.
Now that Minsk is once again in the hands of my loyal troops, then the front across the entire Russian border is almost complete. As now only an Estonian conquest remains in order to complete the Russian border, but guess what I have old troops in Estonia as well.
As once Estonia joins my mega-lo-manic global conquest then my Russian invasion would soon be at hand, when once this large Russian population understands this western alphabet and language, then maybe the first ever Russian citizen would then place an order.
Moving back to Belarus then my 4 year old atlas shows a longer name for this country, but then as that section of Europe has undergone some large political changes, then well even a name change is not unexpected.
My first ever order in my old business was from an O.M also in Minsk, but as Minsk is the capital of Belarus (and got a good view of the eclipse I recall) then that is not unexpected. Anyway, as Belarus has never been a popular destination for orders, then I am not hoping for big things, but the wish economic wealth and my £15 voucher would certainly help out in this area.
Lithuania (G.V in Telsiai), 5th of October 2001
To start with then this makes the first ever customer in Lithuania, which is a bit unusual when my past and current sales have gone to every other country around this area. Anyway better late then never, when some of my GOLD cards and my £15 voucher have already departed for Lithuania, or Telsiai to be exact.
Actually I did not spell Telsiai quite right when there is supposed to be one of those "v" hyphens above the "s", but you cannot blame me for that, when this letter is not part of my alphabet or even keyboard character set. Anyway this customer spelled it the same way, but not a major problem had he used the correct letter.
As after I once had to tackle a Greek address using the Greek instead of English alphabet (nightmare), which after seeing that my computer could not handle these Greek letters (or at least print them) the address was finally wrote by hand. Or actually that had to be done a second time, when No1 had the odd idea to adjust these Greek letters to near English relations.
Anyway, I am most thankful that the vast majority of my customers in Greece provide their address in English, when this saves me having to write these addresses by hand.
Well like that very much Greek address I am sure this one to Lithuania will soon get there, and not just because that it was dispatched on the day of receipt.
As no other order of mine has ever gone to Lithuania before, then I have no idea what to expect. Still I would at least hope to soon see a second order to spend this voucher. Anyway for now the best thing about Lithuania is that this first order has now filled a hole on my European mega-lo-manic conquest map.
Estonia (P.V in Tallinn), 25th of October 2001
After I added my Belarus conquest details above, which was done a bit late near the start of October, then mentioning that Estonia was my last Russian border conquest seemed to work a treat. As no more then I couple of days later did I have an Estonian trade customer wish to buy multiple amounts of two of my items.
As anyone can get a discount on five or more (or sometimes ten) of any one item, then it is always worth asking. As No2 can provide quick replies to lower volumes, while if you want dozens or hundreds then ask me (Cardman) on my trade e-mail address.
Well as the entire Russian front of Norway, Finland, Estonia, Latvia, Belarus, and the Ukraine is now under my mega-lo-manic control, then after a little time strengthen the popular support, then my invasion into Russia will finally begin.
Although I won't give away my battle plan just yet, an early Russian base could well be at Moscow, but as this is one giant sized country then an invasion starting almost anywhere is possible. Well that is as long as their English is better than my Russian. :-]
Apart from my invasion into the Russian heartland my control of Europe is not quite complete yet, which is why this is now my secondary objective. What I mean is that when it comes to Europe at this time, then the west, north, and east sections come under the control my mega-lo-manic iron fist, but the south and central Europe is still resisting my troops at their borders.
So at this time the European countries I have yet to invade are...
Poland (I have old troops here), Austria (overdue, but I have old troops), Slovakia, Croatia (more past customers), Hungary (guess what, yes more), Moldavia, Bulgaria (troops galore), and Albania. Also Iceland has not yet been claimed this time, but as it was last time, then maybe these troops will wake up. That list does not include the hard to come by small countries like Andorra, Vatican City, or the islands, but you can get the idea.
Kind of a shame that I never contact customers except when there is a problem, when I am sure that saying "here I am" would soon then claim most of these countries. However as such a thing could also be considered by past customers as spam mail, then that is why I won't do it.
As I will be occupied myself with my troops on the Russian front, then I will leave No2 the easier job to control the invasion of these nine main and last European countries. So from this day forth No2 will be ranked as General No2 when it comes to such military matters. :-]
Now as this is my second invasion into Estonia, then my first ever Estonian customer was one H.H in Pärnu, which arrived with me on the 12th of April 1999. And like other countries around this region it was not a popular destination, but I am sure that given time then maybe this second expected order can help make it one.
Anyway nothing except language now stops me tackling Russia directly, when all it now requires is one local looking to join my loyal army, to then put the whole of Russia under my control. And while I can then rest and let out a slightly insane laugh, being in control of Russia then allows me a vast choice of equally hard destinations to then tackle.
Well my goal is Global Conquest and I have a very long way to go yet, when Europe will certainly seem like a piece of cake compared to the depths of Africa and South America. Not to forget those strange speaking (and writing) people in Asia, when it could even be required to make my web site equally strange in order to get their loyal support.
I am just wondering about Antarctica, when that would be a damned hard continent to control.
Iceland (S.K in Borgarnes), 16th of January 2002
Well this could be the first order from Iceland received since September 2000, but there is also the small possibility that it is not. Still as I would give it good odds that it is, then that is why this customer will receive one of my £15 credit vouchers.
As to past Iceland orders from before September 2000, then I am quite sure that there was at least one, but as this information owned by me is not currently available to me, then that is all I can currently say about it.
Well I will add more details when I am available to, but as this information problem is due to you know who, then all I can say is that FACT is the spawn of the Devil.
Kazakhstan (A.B in Temirtau), 23rd of January 2002
The first I heard about this order was when this customer wished to know what delivery zone Kazakhstan fell in, when it was not listed in the World Zone 1 and 2 options. And after checking I found out that Kazakhstan was actually classed under Europe, which is a little surprising for a county further away then several World Zone 1 counties.
Anyway, from that information, I then listed all the countries within the Europe option on this site as well.
Next I heard from this customer was when I received an order through the post, but this was without any payment, when he was wondering how to pay me. And so after some discussion he then issued me a transfer direct to my bank account.
However as he sent the transfer in US$ instead, then that took a bit of working out. And as he never told me the name attached to this payment, then I was awaiting the transfer from his name, which naturally did not come when the transfer was done in a different name.
And so only after I was told the correct name could this order with the £15 credit voucher be dispatched, which I am sure has now arrived when these customers then go silent.
Now I am completely sure that this is the first ever order to Kazakhstan, which makes me hope that this first order will lead to many more from this country.
For those people who do not know then Kazakhstan is a most large country, when is seems to be about the same size as the whole of Western Europe. And where it is located is best described as the link between the more familiar part of Europe and the even larger country of China.
Kazakhstan naturally borders on Russia, when not that long ago this now independent country was part of the Soviet Union. And in a way that is pleasing when my invasion of Kazakhstan is proof that the whole of Russia will soon follow.
While I am left wondering why all the countries around this region end in "stan", this is one more country marked off in my crusade for Global Domination. And in all this is a pleasing location in order to launch attacks into neighbouring countries, when there is such a wide choice, but I would never give away my next target before my troops (aka Customers) cross the border.
Austria (B.P in Wien), 1st of February 2002
Now this claim for Austria happens to be an important one, when Austria is the final country of the European Union that I have not supplied to (within my old business) until now that is. And so my very first major global conquest in my Global Domination Plan is now complete, when the whole of the European Union is now within my control.
This customer just happens to be an old customer of mine as well, when he placed orders within my old business on at least two occasions. And one I know quite well, when I remember all those temporary card problems. This I guess goes to show that maintaining links with my old contacts (aka Spies) is important in helping my take-over of countries that I supplied to previously as part of my old business.
Since this customer took advantage of my ELVIS special offer, then you should also be able to see why special offers are important, when these events better obtain the interest of both old and new customers.
Now the first time I supplied to Austria back in my old business was on the 27th of January 1999, where one W.T in Immsbruck was responsible. Austria in all has one of the slowest supply rates of an EU country at least, where maybe the mountains could play a part of this.
I guess the key to Austria is German TV, when of course we know the local language. However, that is not what the majority of my Austrian customers made use of my old business for, when like with this new claim there are also people born and raised in other countries living in Austria.
That factor I guess offers hope for the more problem countries to supply to, when if the locals are too "foreign" to be a potential customer, then so within each country are real invaders who would be a much better customer prospect.
Now the final interest aspect about this order is that this customer unfortunately paid me in Euro Cash, which is not unexpected seeing that Austria now makes use of this currency. And I say "unfortunately" when all Euro payments between the 30th of January and the 14th of February were lost when I dispatched these items to my bank on that last mentioned day.
And so although the payment for the Euro cheques is recoverable this lost dispatch to my bank means that 625 Euros in total for this and other Euro Cash payment orders is now lost and unrecoverable. Since this was the first of two lost dispatches to my bank (where the second one happened in May), then so this large financial loss was not at all pleasing in the early introduction of my business accepting the Euro.
Still as I can write this 625 Euros off as a loss, then so I only lose the still quite expensive cost of the original goods.
Well at least this problem of lost dispatches to my bank has now been solved, when these losses made for an extremely high postal loss rate. The reason for this is that my bank of Citibank on all their pre-paid envelopes was put by them an invalid Post Code, where the Royal Mail happens to be extremely good at losing letters when the Post Code is invalid, even if my own return address was on the back.
Since the Royal Mail supplied me with a valid postal code, then so has no further dispatch been lost so far. That is good news, when of course I cannot accept these Euro and US Dollar currencies if I cannot make a profit from it.
And so I hope that being able to accept the local currency of Austria (at the true exchange rate) is the reason why many more Austrian orders will follow this first one.
Malaysia (H.P.H in Kuching), 19th of March 2002
This I can say is certainly the first ever order going to Malaysia, where Kuching is in the Sawawak region and part of the big island.
Due to the continuing unavailability of my old records, then it is hard to say what other countries around this region I managed to invade in my old business, but Taiwan does comes to mind. Anyway, by looking above, then you will see that there is a whole load of near countries that I can invade now that Malaysia is under the control of my troops.
This is one order that came in using my Telegraphic Transfer direct to my Sterling Bank Account option, which later left by the DHL courier service.
However this order did suffer a delay when a large £15 was debited from the total. Since I had a copy of the transfer form, then I know that the correct amount was sent. And that made this £15 the largest ever deduction during a transfer.
Now as this customer had paid my £5 transfer correction fee, then now I had to find out if the transfer was sent by the OUR (Sender pays all the costs) method as is required. As if he did then I would have had to cover this unwelcome deduction myself and then consider raising my transfer correction charge.
After two long phone calls to my bank over two days then they could not answer this question, which meant that contacting this issuing bank in Malaysia was the next step. However before that occurred this customer agreed to reducing the number of items in his order by the missing £10, which was just as well when signs pointed out that this transfer was not sent by the OUR method.
So this order has now departed, which means that it should soon be with this customer. Hopefully this will lead to many following orders from Malaysia, but my £15 voucher will ensure at least one more.
Qatar (C.Z in Doha), 30th of August 2002
This happens to be the very first order going to Qatar, which makes me wonder why. Maybe it is due to the fact that this is one of the smaller countries in the region, but then Kuwait is about the same size as Qatar and is currently doing a lot better.
Still a late start and large popularity can soon turn things around, but only seeing the infrequent Qatar order is the more likely result.
According to my ever useful World Atlas this capital city of Doha is known as AD DAWHAH locally, which no doubt is what you would see on sign posts pointing to Doha. Well as I have always said it is nice for people to provide their address in the Western Alphabet, but as long as I put Qatar on this package, then the alphabet used for the rest of the address is less important, when the local postal service in Qatar have to deal with that.
Well this first customer from Qatar wanted one of my very new Magic CI CAMs and Interfaces, which I guess shows that stocking new items can help in my global conquest. Also he mentioned not to put "Satellite Equipment" on the package, which I never do anyway, when his local customs are (as I quote) "funny" about such things.
That I cannot say, but as I cannot recall hearing further from this customer (ie problems), then I guess that his customs are not that "funny".
Poland (J.M in Gdynia), 29th of November 2002
It was only during the first few days of December did my accounts check highlight that there was now all of one order going to Poland, which fortunately was also the very last order entered for the November month.
So this order was wanting to make itself known, where the reason for that no doubt was that it was both received and dispatched on the 29th of December without a second thought given to the matter. Since Poland is a well enough known country around these parts, then at the time it did not enter my mind that Poland was the largest country displayed on my Europe Map (see my Conquests page) coloured in Red.
That Red colour of course meant no invasion, which is why I have had to now change it to dark green, when Poland in 2004 is set to join the European Union.
Neither did No3 spot that Poland fact, when she answered his e-mail, but then she has a long way to go up the ranks before she makes General and in control of my invasions. In fact as she is not too good at Geography, then she did not even know where this country was, where I believe that she did not even know that it was in Europe!
Still, since I have now got out my World Atlas and showed her, then she now knows where Poland exactly is. I also told her about the magical moving Poland, when the Polish borders have changed by a large amount during history. There goes Poland off towards Russia, then watch it magically move back towards where it is today.
Since this customer paid me by Sterling Cheque, then I guess that he is not getting ahead of his country in making use of the Euro. Still, since I also accept the local Polish Zloty, which is another payment method that he did not use, then I guess that a Sterling Cheque was his best option.
Also it seems, according to this customer, that Poles are not good at handling delicate items around Xmas. No doubt referring to the Polish customs and Postal Service. Still my ELVIS with free Gold card (including my November offer of a free SEASON2) is not that delicate, following the fixing of the delicate coil problem that is, where as No1 tends to over do the protective packing, then I am sure that this delivery arrived in good health.
As it seems that I forgot about this Polish customer getting a £15 credit voucher, then I will now get No3 to contact this customer in order to sort it out. After all my conquests will go a lot slower if the local spies that open the borders up to my troops don't get paid at the end of the day.
Well this Polish conquest, now that I am in control of this large land mass, results in there now being only 6 countries left before I am in control of all of Europe. Still these other countries will be more difficult than what Poland was, when after all even in my old business I never got around to the invasion of Slovakia, Albania or Moldavia.
Now that I have all my accounts back, then so can I tell you that my invasion of Poland the first time around, was on the 18th of May 1998, where a certain A.H in Pruszkow was responsible.
Since in my old business it would be true to say that Poland was a fairly popular destination for orders, then I hope that this late start is also the start of the return of those good times.
Canada (Unnamed Company in Ottawa), 28th of February 2003
I have been wondering for a while when an invasion of Canada would occur, when based upon the popularity of Canada in my old business, then this first order although much welcome is certainly overdue.
That is because in my old business the very first Canadian order occurred on the 21st of January 2000 (by one I.S in Sherbrooke), which was less than two years after I first started to sell cards, where of course this was then followed by many other Canadian orders. And yet here we are in my new and much larger business with the first Canadian order occurring after two and a half years.
Well like last time I can only hope that many further Canadian orders will soon be following, where my £15 voucher will at least ensure one more. In all it is quite odd that Canadian orders are say not as popular as U.S orders, when those people in North-East Canada, usually near the coast, can still receive many of the same European satellite broadcasts that I can.
This new order was of course a company purchase, which is why I did not bother to initialize the company name. As to Ottawa then this city is not far to the West of Montreal, where it is also close to the U.S border and the New York State.
Apart from that then this order was for some of my cards including the White and Emerald types.
Thailand (A.F in Bangkok), 8th of April 2003
At the time of writing this new claim there has already been a total of two orders going to Thailand, which are both from this same customer. The first order was for a few of my Silver cards, where the second order was for a lot more of my Silver cards plus a few of my Gold cards. Naturally, in the second order from the 25th the £15 credit voucher was spent that was dispatched with the first order.
Now when mentioning Bangkok things get a little tricky seeing that Thailand's largest national product is generated by jolly western tourists who come to have sex with the locals. Those who come to Bangkok not aware of this fact are therefore in for a surprise, which can be an unpleasant one seeing that it can be found nearly everywhere.
That is of course not to say that Thailand does not provide many great places to visit for those wishing to check out the sights and not the women, men and more, but unless you are open minded many of the large cities like Bangkok and Phuket are best avoided.
Beyond the Bangkok tourist attractions there are of course very many normal residents going about all the same things that happen in other large cities, which no doubt explains why many of my wafer cards are currently with this customer in Bangkok.
In my old business the very first order was from one S.O in the Muang District of the Chaingrai Province, which was an order that was received on the 14th of December 1999 and dispatched just a few days later.
Well since not many of my orders depart for countries in Asia, then hopefully customers in Thailand can help to increase that number.
Russia (I.A.R in Petrozavodsk), 29th of May 2003
Now this is the big conquest that I have been waiting for ages to achieve, when this one counts as the first of the difficult countries. This is of course due to a different language, alphabet, culture and to top it off continuing economic hardship following the collapse of the U.S.S.R.
To celebrate I am almost tempted to get out my old C.C.C.P hammer and sickle T-Shirt, which was one that I obtained simply ages ago when I purchased a batch of unusual and colourful T-Shirts. Considering the age of this purchase, then if I still have it, which I would say was unlikely, then I doubt that it would fit anyway.
As a result I guess that I will just have to do with some traditional Russian Vodka, which I have always enjoyed mixed with Cola or Orange Juice. Well as that quick celebration will soon be underway, then if I can still locate the keyboard I will tell you about this very first order ever going to Russia.
Now the first thing that I noticed about this order was that it was also the very first order to make use of my new E-Gold on-line payment system, which I was pleased about, when this system is a lot less popular than the soon to follow PayPal option. Still, as this virtual gold payment system is linked to many other currencies beyond USD, then so does it make for a more flexible payment system.
That I guess is why someone in Russia was the first to make use of it, even if the Russian Ruble (RUB) is not yet one of the currencies linked into this system.
As it goes it was only when I was getting this order ready to put into the dispatch pile did I notice where it was going to, where I then said to my No1 worker "you will never guess where this one will be going". So I then went off to get one of my £15 vouchers to be dispatched with this order, where of course this £15 figure can be converted to either USD or EUR at the true exchange rate if needed.
In case you do not know where Petrozavodsk is within the large country of Russia, then that is about 170 Km away from the border with Finland. And of course Petrozavodsk is right next to Lake Onega (Onezhskoye Ozero), which happens to be the second largest lake in the region after Lake Lagonda.
Since this first Russian customer desired two of my Emerald cards, then this is one order that shows that my £15 voucher can be worth more than the order that receives it. And of course due to this voucher I will soon be looking forwards to receiving a second order from this country.
As I have been waiting for this Russian invasion for nearly three years now, then I am currently wondering what my next big target will be.
Philippines (J.A in Quezon City), 4th of March 2004
My recent conquest of the Philippines make for fourth Asian country to be conquered since this special offer came about, where this customer purchased some of my FunCards and paid for them with US Dollar Cash.
Since this is my first ever conquest of the Philippines, then there is not much to say beyond that the Philippines is really a collection of many small islands and a couple of larger ones. And as it turns out Quezon City is on the Northern large island called Luzon, where it is just slightly North of the capital Manila.
And to complete your geography lesson for today, then since my former conquered country of Malaysia is the closest country to this one being located not far to the South-West, then so can we see how this invasion came about.
Japan (H.U in Chiba), 8th of August 2004
This latest invasion came as quite a nice surprise, when I considered the invasion of Japan to be considerably more difficult. So I was very pleased that the purchase of one of my SEASON3 devices aided this invasion headed by one of the locals.
Since both Russia and now Japan have now fallen to my control, then maybe it is true to say that the expansion of the Net has greatly aided in the international shopping trade? Maybe even China could fall next? Not that I would ever reveal my future plans of course, but the one billion odd people in China should be able to get together to round up a few rusty old coins for a purchase.
This order was paid for through the PayPal on-line payment service, which is another useful system for helping international trade. I could have accepted Japanese Yen in cash, but no doubt converting JPY to USD made for an easier and faster purchase for this customer.
I am just thankful that the supplied address was in English. Although it is certainly possible to write in Japanese if needed, even if my on-line system does not work to well in this language. In the case of other alphabets, I write the addresses directly myself, when my No1 worker has the bad habit of trying to write such an address using the closest English approximations.
In case you are interested, then Chiba is a city to the East of Tokyo and further along the coast.
Since one order has now gone to Japan, then so should other orders soon follow.
China (I.L in Hong Kong), 31st of August 2004
Due to this latest conquest my Global Domination Plan has just made yet another important gain, when I now own the one country with the largest population on this planet.
I did to begin with wonder if I should count this Hong Kong gain under the larger China name? Still, since we British handed back control of Hong Kong to the Chinese government not too many years ago, then it is the case that Hong Kong is certainly part of China, even if the Chinese government treat Hong Kong as more of an independent economic state.
So from this you could say that my invasion of China happened from this former British controlled city. Hopefully the Chinese can at last expand the Hong Kong borders, when Hong Kong is also known to have the highest population density on Earth.
I would have to go and check out my battle plans to see how much of this region I now control, but all these country based blanks seem to be filling in nicely now.
This order was just to supply one of the citizens of Hong Kong with three of my Titanium cards. What use they are in Hong Kong and if the larger Chinese rule would approve is a good question. Also this order was one delayed due to the global Titanium supply problem, which meant that the former blue cards changed into white cards, where this long delayed order was completed on the 13th of December.
Although further orders from Hong Kong are sure enough, but orders from other parts of China makes for another good question. We British are more friendly with China these day, but there is still a large language difference. So what future orders come from China, and the Hong Kong part of it, remains to be seen.
Zambia (L.R.F in Chingola), 7th of September 2004
From my above conquests you would think that I am doing the reverse of Genghis Kahn by invading Europe (not that Genghis Kahn actually did), the Middle East, and then on through Asia. Apart from a trip over to North America, then an invasion into the African continent is quite a rare event.
At this point in time I control Egypt and Morocco in North Africa, South Africa obviously in the South. Then I also control two of the African linked islands, which are Lanzarote and Mauritius. Most important of all is that I control Zimbabwe, my most popular African destination, also in South Africa. Even if I fear that many of my white farm owning customer's in Zimbabwe have since fled back to the UK in fear for their lives.
One of those even once applied for a job with my company.
Since Zambia is also in the African South, being joined to Zimbabwe, then this makes for a good next invasion from my combined bases of Zimbabwe and South Africa. Now that I have three counties in a chain, then this makes for at good force to invade into just about any other African country. So those in the deepest, darkest, and most of all hot, depths of central Africa had better watch out.
This local citizen of Zambia just wanted one of my MMPI (Magic Module Programming Interfaces), where this order was both received and departed on the same day.
For your geography lesson for today, then the town of Chingola is to the North of the more South section of Zambia. You would have to see a map to see that Zambia comes in a North and South "U" shape, where Chingola is very close to the border to Zaire.
Anyway, this is a reminder to all my customers that no country on this planet is safe from my economic conquest. Still, I just wish that I could make gain into central and South America. Patience is the answer there, when no one person can win the World in a day, or even in five and a half years that I have taken so far.
Now lets see how many other orders I have departing to Zambia.
Iraq (R.S in the invasion and occupation of), 7th of September 2004
Okay, let me point out one slight oversight in my Global Domination Plan, when my economic invasion should not, and I repeat SHOULD NOT, be confused with a real invasion. As this one customer seems to have got a bit carried away, when this was a delivery to one the UK's own British Forces in the process of invading and occupying Iraq.
Had I promoted this customer to a General in my economic army, then the glorious British Empire would be back in action within only a few years. Considering the loss of life involved, then I would give a "better not" to that idea. President Bush can go alone with his own Global Domination plan in other words.
And in case you are wondering, then this armed and dangerous customer appears to be an engineer. In other words not one of those that go about shooting the locals, unless this is done in self-defense, when his job is to keep things moving.
I did give thought to denying this order a claim, and waiting for one of the Iraqi citizens to order, but this delivery certainly ended up in Iraq. So since this also completes this more difficult invasion, then so is it valid enough. Still, you just have to wonder just what this customer needed an ELVIS programmer for in the middle of Iraq? Beyond saving the VAT charge naturally. I will leave that answer for you to guess at.
The unfortunate case here is that when the British Forces depart Iraq, then so will my Iraq based customers. Since I already have invaded Iran, then so have I no need for the British Army to go there. North Korea is another matter, even if my later claim from South Korea makes the post invasion situation unclear. I would expect a unified Korea after all, but you never can tell.
I would guess that it will be a few more years before the Iraqi citizens explore the international trade market. Anyway, since Iraq is now mine, then that does not matter too much.
One other interesting point to note was that this Iraq conquest happened on the same day as the previous Zambia conquest. Since that is quite a rare event, then my troops seem to be working extra hard to make this planet all mine.
Kenya (M.O in Eldoret), 21st of November 2004
Less than three months following my invasion of Zambia, then so following comes my first central African gain of the country of Kenya. My three joined African countries did well to unite and take control of Kenya it seems.
Filling in the geography first, then Kenya is in East central Africa right on the coast to the Indian Ocean. Kenya is joined to five other countries. Most interesting is that according to my map there is a section of disputed land to the North-West, called the Elemi Triangle, where although this is in the control of Kenya, it is also partly claimed by Ethiopia and the Sudan.
Eldoret is to the North-West of Nairobi and near the border to Uganda.
This order was for 10 of my FUN2 cards, where this order departed just a few days following receipt. I will now see what other orders come from Kenya, or hopefully other new countries in the region.
Korea (M.K in Sungnam), 14th of December 2004
I must admit that receiving this order from Korea caused me a bit of a problem. What I mean is that we English people know Korea in terms of North and South Korea. Since North is bad and South is good, then immediately the question arose of just what part of Korea we are talking about here?
Not that I expected the answer to be other than South Korea mind you. I just thought that I had better make sure, before this trade order for five Conax CAMs ended up on Kim Jong II's dinner table. Not to mention my own local government being a bit annoyed over supplying a banned export.
So the question soon became just where in Korea was "Sungnam"? That I can say also posed quite a problem. As after checking both my Atlas books, then Sungnam was no where to be found. This I can say is rather unusual. And so I soon switched to my back-up option by doing an Internet search. The City of Sungnam soon popped up in South Korea.
However, since Sungnam was a big city, and not some tiny Korean hole, then the final question cropped up of just why was this big city not mentioned on either of my Atlas books? I did wonder for a minute if South Korea was starting to hide entire cities, under the idea of if the North does not know about them, then so cannot the North attack them!
In the end I found the reason, when my Atlas books incorrectly spell Sungnam as Songnam. No doubt some translation conflict, where my local version is more how it is pronounced. Not that this change from the local spelling is helpful mind you.
Anyway, following some payment hassle, then this Korean order departed on the same day that I confirmed that all was now well. In the future I will keep in mind that those people in South Korea just call the country "Korea".